I'm 27. I know that at this age, my mother already lived through a number of hardships, struggles, and tough times. But she at 27, she also found love and happiness. She found my father. She found America. She found opportunity.
My mom has worked hard all her life. She told me that even as a child, my grandma worried about her extreme work ethic. She would say, "you can work and work, but it will never buy you all the money in the world, so don't work so hard." She's the type of person who would see an annoying spot on her car and try to scrub and scrub and scrub it away, only to be left with added scratch marks to the car. She's also the type of person who would wear latex gloves over winter gloves as she washed the car herself in 20-something degree weather.
When my dad died, my mom worked more. She hardly attended any of my after school activities because she was working. I think I made my mom feel guilty not realizing that she sacrificed so much for the sake of her children. But it was what it was. I have memories of seeing my mom's car in the parking lot after school and running home with a huge smile on my face, remembering it was her one day off.
Without a doubt, my mom and I are really tight. I'm with her every step of the way in this "journey" and I'm often scared as hell. But no matter what, I will stand by my mom's side.
The only thing is, now that my care giving responsibilities have stepped up, I feel like I'm always one step behind. I'm taking care of my mom the best I can, but it seems like I'm always a bit short on getting a handle on things. The house is not as clean. My cooking is not up to par and usually a crap shoot. Balancing work and care giving has become difficult. Even though I'm 27, I still feel like I'm a child trying to play a grown up. I'm often scared shitless and my mind is never at rest. But I try to take things one step at a time. A few weeks ago, my mom went to take a bath and she had to call me in to help bathe her. I was uncomfortable for a second but then I put on my big girl badge and helped my mom. It honestly made me sad and reflect on how much things have change. As common in Asian households, I always knew one day I'd take care of my mom but I imagined/ hoped it would be much later.
All you can do is your best. It's true..we always feel like one step behind..like we're not doing enough. It's a constant feeling of burnt out and then when we do have a few free moments to relax, our minds can never settle down. I feel like I've grown up since my mom got diagnosed. This is a life changing experience and people really don't understand unless they've gone through it. Always thinking of you and your mom :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Lorita. Yea, I feel like I've grown up so much too. We both have a lot on our plates. It's tough because we're not only provide physical support but emotional as well.
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