You know you're a caregiver when...

• You get excited when your loved one makes a bowel movement
• You feel enormous satisfaction when your loved one is eating and cleans the plate without throwing up
• The stuff that used to gross you out like vomit, poop, or blood doesn't phase you anymore
• TMI is no longer in your vocabulary
• You no longer define "Mets" as the name of a baseball team, and "Ned," no longer as Homer Simpson's neighbor
• You give an automatic eye roll whenever you overhear someone complaining about job, relationship, birthday stress...as the worse thing that's happened in their life
• You'd be rich if you got a quarter each time someone told you how strong you were
• social life? what social life?
• You know to warn the nurse that she only has 2 tries to get the needle in
• You spend countless hours perusing the internet for items to help deal/ combat side effects of treatment (wigs, protein shakes, supplements,etc.).
• You forget if you've showered today
• You constantly tell or show your loved one how much you love him or her
• Your nights out or "time for yourself" revolves around your loved one's doctor's appointments, scans, and if you can get someone to "babysit."
• You have the name of the disease on your Google alerts, so that if there are any novel treatments, you're the first to know
• Going to a caregiver support group is considered "treating yourself"
• You've become a pro at giving the best foot massages
• You've unleashed your cancer rage at the annoying telemarketer phone guy who apparently doesn't care that you're on the no call list
• Running errands helps you feel normal
• You've figured out how to silence the beeping machine, if only for a few minutes
• When you run into another caregiver, it's like you guys are speaking in tongues
• Your exhausted and tired, but you can't imagine anyone else doing this instead of you
• You know that before there was Brangelina or Bennifer or Speidi, there was EOX, Folfox, Folfiri, ECX, DCF...and other names smushed together to create chemo cocktails
• Their nap time is your nap time....
  You have the softest hands in town from all the lotions you applied..
• You know that "5FU" is not a dirty word
• You feel like smacking the next person who says "Boy, you really look tired" (but you have no energy to even if you could).
  You make life and death decisions with a snap of your fingers but you need 30 minutes to select an item from a dinner menu.
  You can rattle of the generic and brand names of medications and the family they belong to quicker than the nurse.
  Going to the grocery store feels like a mini-vacation.
  
  
  *from caregiver board on csn.cancer.org)

As a caregiver, people always stress that it's important to take care of yourself even though it's not always easy. Here's a "Self-Care Inventory" Check List. I have yet to rate myself, but it can be helpful in evaluating your strengths while looking at making positive changes in the lower scored areas.

Another Hospital Visit and the Capacity to Love

My mom started chemo last Monday, May 14. On May 22, my mom went to get her blood tested and visit the oncologist. She had a fever and her white blood cell count had dropped to .4. Normal is 10. She wasn't even at 1. She developed a neutropenic fever and we had to have her admitted to the ER. She hated the hospital the first time she was admitted and dreaded the thought of going back there. After all, she was only released a little more than a week before. When we arrived, they placed her in isolation since she had a very weak immune system. It was much more peaceful in the ER this time since she had her own room. No loud annoying constant beeping sounds...just lots and lots of waiting and waiting. We got to the ER at 11:30am and they didn't admit her upstairs until it was close to midnight.

I hate cancer more than anything and I feel a tremendous amount of indescribable sadness for what my mom's going through and others in this situation... cancer is simply not fair. However, while at the hospital ER, I also couldn't help thinking about those that have no one to depend on. I was gone for 2 hours and during that time, my mom soiled herself. She couldn't get to the bathroom in time. She told no one but when I got back, told me and I got a wet paper towel and helped clean her and change into clean clothes. There were patients in other beds connected to their machines beeping incessantly and no one to notify a nurse to turn it off. There were patients with no visitors for hours on end. A nurse came by and asked if she needed someone to wash her and my mom politely decline, knowing that her daughter would be able to do it. I never imagined that at 27, I'd be taking care of my mom like this..but all I can think about is I just want her feel better and know how much she is loved. My mom always says that people use the word "love" too indiscriminately (especially while watching The Voice, Biggest Loser, and other competitive reality shows- seriously they tell them they love the person way too much, just when they're about to vote them off), when it's really the actions that show someone how much you really care. One of the members in my online support group said it well when she talked about caregiving for her husband...the "capacity to love" really struck a cord with me.

Lana, I never realized my capacity to love my sweetheart until he got sick. What normally would have grossed me out, didn't phase me. All I wanted was for him to get better, stop stuffering, be happy, come home, so that our life could return to "normal." Your mother is so blessed to have you. You are a wonderful daughter. I'm praying for you and your mother. Hugs.

Mom chilling reading Chinese newspaper

It is now Memorial Day and while her white blood cell count is up to 3.7, her platelets and red blood cell count are still a bit low so she will not be able to go home today. Hopefully tomorrow. She now looks and feels better. She had a very sore throat and it hurt just to hiccup/ burp or eat food, so she ate very little. Her appetite is much better and we walk around the floor twice a day to get some exercise. Yesterday, my brother came home and bought some goodies from Chinatown, among other things: Chinese food and Chinese newspaper. The Chinese newspaper will keep her preoccupied for the rest of the day. She's a beast when it comes to reading lol.

One of my mom's neighbor's needs to be guarded 24/7 with two officers sitting on both sides of the door. Right now, one officer is inside, so this one needs to be extra attentive...you know, in case this maybe convicted felon who has cancer makes a run for it or jumps out the fifth story window. Who knows, but it's fun to make up stories about why he's there...helps pass the time.