unofficial theme song for ER visits: (I want to go) home by Michael Bublé

(note: duet with Blake Shelton, my mom's favorite American singer purely based on looks. lol)

Last Monday, my mom had to be admitted to the hospital. My mom went to the doctor's office for routine blood work and was told she couldn't go home. I had anticipated her counts being low, but not that low. Her hemoglobin count was at 5 (10 is the lowest point of normal range) and her platelets were at 14,000. Normal platelet should be at least 150,000. I declined their offer to get a squad car to take her to the hospital. Instead, I hurried to the doctor's office to pick up my mom and head to the ER.

The emergency room at Robert Wood Johnson is always a mad house. Because of her low counts, she had to be in "isolation." They gave her blood and platelets. I appreciated that they were quick about this. However, Robert Wood takes FOREVER to get a room up on the oncology floor. We arrived at 6pm and at 2am, finally were told that they had a room waiting. Another hour passes and they said oops, they were misinformed. The room they found was for the wrong location.

I planned on sleeping at the hospital with my mom. But in the ER, there were only chairs to sit in so by 3am, I went home to get some shut eye.

When did my mom finally get taken to a proper room? Drum roll please....

At 4pm the next day. %&@#$^!!!!! (insert angry emoticon here)

I feel uncomfortable in the ER not just because of the incredibly long wait time to get a room and not just because it's loud and crazy.

Reason #1: The ER only has TWO toilets. One on each side of the floor. If my mom needs to go to the bathroom, I hurry ahead of her to make sure there is one available. I grab sterile gloves and lysol wipes and wipe down everything...the floor, the seat, the water faucet handles. Her low counts make her very susceptible to infections, etc., so I make damn sure the bathroom's clean.

Things just get complicated when there's more people in need of a bathroom. When the one closest to us became occupied, but the one on the other side was open, I race to her bed and anxiously tell her to hurry to the bathroom. It then becomes a mad dash to the bathroom because there's a huge chance that by the time she arrives, it'll be taken.

Reason #2: My mom was in an isolation room to lower risk of infection. But ironically, the room we were in was not sanitized. I saw 2 cockroach-like bugs in the room. Now, I understand that the ER is super busy and people are coming in and out. But for people who are neutropenic, doesn't it make sense that their rooms just get a quick wipe down before a patient with a low immune system enters?

Well, we were in Monday night and left on Wednesday, late afternoon. I was glad the visit was relatively short.

Another Hospital Visit and the Capacity to Love

My mom started chemo last Monday, May 14. On May 22, my mom went to get her blood tested and visit the oncologist. She had a fever and her white blood cell count had dropped to .4. Normal is 10. She wasn't even at 1. She developed a neutropenic fever and we had to have her admitted to the ER. She hated the hospital the first time she was admitted and dreaded the thought of going back there. After all, she was only released a little more than a week before. When we arrived, they placed her in isolation since she had a very weak immune system. It was much more peaceful in the ER this time since she had her own room. No loud annoying constant beeping sounds...just lots and lots of waiting and waiting. We got to the ER at 11:30am and they didn't admit her upstairs until it was close to midnight.

I hate cancer more than anything and I feel a tremendous amount of indescribable sadness for what my mom's going through and others in this situation... cancer is simply not fair. However, while at the hospital ER, I also couldn't help thinking about those that have no one to depend on. I was gone for 2 hours and during that time, my mom soiled herself. She couldn't get to the bathroom in time. She told no one but when I got back, told me and I got a wet paper towel and helped clean her and change into clean clothes. There were patients in other beds connected to their machines beeping incessantly and no one to notify a nurse to turn it off. There were patients with no visitors for hours on end. A nurse came by and asked if she needed someone to wash her and my mom politely decline, knowing that her daughter would be able to do it. I never imagined that at 27, I'd be taking care of my mom like this..but all I can think about is I just want her feel better and know how much she is loved. My mom always says that people use the word "love" too indiscriminately (especially while watching The Voice, Biggest Loser, and other competitive reality shows- seriously they tell them they love the person way too much, just when they're about to vote them off), when it's really the actions that show someone how much you really care. One of the members in my online support group said it well when she talked about caregiving for her husband...the "capacity to love" really struck a cord with me.

Lana, I never realized my capacity to love my sweetheart until he got sick. What normally would have grossed me out, didn't phase me. All I wanted was for him to get better, stop stuffering, be happy, come home, so that our life could return to "normal." Your mother is so blessed to have you. You are a wonderful daughter. I'm praying for you and your mother. Hugs.

Mom chilling reading Chinese newspaper

It is now Memorial Day and while her white blood cell count is up to 3.7, her platelets and red blood cell count are still a bit low so she will not be able to go home today. Hopefully tomorrow. She now looks and feels better. She had a very sore throat and it hurt just to hiccup/ burp or eat food, so she ate very little. Her appetite is much better and we walk around the floor twice a day to get some exercise. Yesterday, my brother came home and bought some goodies from Chinatown, among other things: Chinese food and Chinese newspaper. The Chinese newspaper will keep her preoccupied for the rest of the day. She's a beast when it comes to reading lol.

One of my mom's neighbor's needs to be guarded 24/7 with two officers sitting on both sides of the door. Right now, one officer is inside, so this one needs to be extra attentive...you know, in case this maybe convicted felon who has cancer makes a run for it or jumps out the fifth story window. Who knows, but it's fun to make up stories about why he's there...helps pass the time.